My Saving Grace

I am enamored

by the strangeness of your love,

it grabs me by the throat 

leaving behind the impressed 

memories of your fingers,

your touch by contrast 

is so achingly tender,

I become asphyxiated

with need. 

My desire shudders 

through me in a crushing force,

I want to hurl myself against you

like a ship wrecked upon the rocks,

but you hold me with astounding 

gentleness whispering words 

which make tears linger 

on the edge of my eyes. 

I feel as if I could rend    

my flesh when you part from me,

I want to scream into the winds,

but you would see the scars 

and carry their burden upon your soul.

 

Deconstructing Gender

I have always refused to declare my sexuality and by that I don’t mean that I don’t want people to know what my preferences are but I don’t like the black and white terms of having to be one thing or the other, I don’t want other people’s labels to define me and put me in a neat little box. I don’t consider myself to be heterosexual, and I am not homosexual and I don’t really consider myself Bi. I know a lot of people think well you have to be one of those things.

One of the things that really made an impression on me was back when I was still in school I took this really interesting psychology class and I cannot recall the person who actually came up with this concept but some psychologist came up with this scale for sexuality. On one end is heterosexuality and on the other end homosexuality and bisexual would be right in the middle but there are all there degrees along the scale. I have always liked the idea of that sort of fluidity. 

 I prefer men, in contemplating a long term serious relationship it is with a man I visualize myself with. I just cannot picture myself having a real relationship with a woman. I can’t even figure out how to be friends with women so I can I possibly live with one in an intimate way? But if I were single and in the right circumstances I could make out with a chick. I could have a fling with a woman. I do find women sexually attractive. I joke with my friend that I can be such a male chauvinist sometimes because I can a woman and think she is hot but than as soon as she opens her mouth and starts talking I lose interest. 

I was watching the Nighly Show with Lary Wilmore tonight and they where talking about gender which is what inspired me to write this. One of the things which was brought up was the varrious different terms that people use to identify thier gender identity. And a couple of things that came up which really intrigued me was gender fluidity and Third Gender both these terms are very similar. The basic idea is that a person doesn’t have to choose one gender or the other, it doesn’t have to be so black and white. In many ways it reminds me of the Jung concept of Anima and Animus.  For those not familiar the Anima is the feminine in men and the Animus is the masculine in women. I have always been fascinated with this idea.

For the record I am biologically a woman and I am comfortable being a woman. I never truly felt like I was meant to be a man or that I wanted to be a man though I do envy the fact that men cannot reproduce but that is a different issue. But though I do accept and embrace my womanhood I also have some very masculine traits which I also embrace. I joke around about being one of the guys. When I was a kid I had a friend who sometimes slipped and called me Bro and I took a certain pride in that. 

I would say that I could be the perfect girlfriend because I can embrace my femininity and at times enjoy dressing up and showing off my womanly wiles as it were and as many of you might know from previous posts I do enjoy cooking and baking. But at the same time I can also be the guy friend. I like to check out women and I don’t like shopping. I am a goal oriented shopper, I don’t like to just hang out in the mall or randomly browse the stores. If I need something I go to the store and get it then leave. My Beloved once told me that someday he wanted to build his oen log cabin in the woods and my response was that sounds awesome I want to do that. He told me I was the first woman he met that actually wanted to do that with him and thought it was a good idea. 

So I wouldn’t ever really define myself as a man but I always knew I never really fit in with other women and I can move between gender roles.     

Simplicity of Nakedness

I close my eyes 

and envision you reclined 

compelling in the vulnerability 

of your nakedness.

Your hard lines

masculine angles

my fingers ache to 

touch, trace your geometry.

The irresistible beauty 

in the simplicity 

of you stretched out upon 

the sheets.

I know that slow

upward turn of your mouth,

the dancing light in your eyes,

my lips tremble for a taste of you.

There is something agonizing 

in your patience, exuding calmness 

that makes you appear so much 

more solid than me.

You are the anchor

that keeps my feet on the floor,

as much as I long to cover my body

over yours I cannot resist the urge

to continue my admiration you.

.

Sky at Sunset

  

Senses of Love

Your love overwhelms my senses,

I inhale your deep earthy tones 

feeling myself buried beneath the 

weight of you, I could 

curl myself into the space

between your ribcage, 

the heart is a wild beast 

which is why it beats against 

its bars.

I taste raindrops upon skin

warmed by the summer sun,

I want to swallow your breathe

hold it between my lips,

as the warmth fills the space

of my lungs, reminding me 

of the essence of life. 

 My eyes devour you with 

an artist’s attention to detail,

my fingers long to trace your every 

line, curve, and angle, 

but my hand trembles at the purity

of your nakedness.

I listen to your silences,

your heart beats in morse code 

and I can hear even your bones 

sing, your fingers play scales 

down my spinal cord, composing 

melodies for each of my body 

parts.

Your hands sculpt my body,

like Michelangelo you know how to 

uncover the beauty hidden beneath,

patiently coaxing out the best parts 

of me, I collapse into you,

compress myself into your chest cavity,

this is the space I call my home.

 

No Sanctuary

This is the church that was used in the filming of the movie “The Birds.” I thought it would be fitting to give it the appearance of an old photograph. 

  

Dark Hearts

I taste the night 

upon your lips,

your smoky fingers 

wind in my hair,

with playful menace 

you pull the threads 

around my neck.

Your hunters eyes 

make me want to 

slide to the ground 

in a pool of moonlight 

at your feet. 

But your hands 

hold me up

bearing my weight 

against you

with an ease twinged 

in regret 

that says you are 

no stranger 

to the feel of dead weight.

I do not fear 

the death at the end

of your fingertips,

the blood which cannot 

be erased from your mind,

it makes me want to cling

to you.

We are both 

casualties of life 

let us sanctify each other,

I will baptize you in virgin’s blood

take communion not 

from a dead, indifferent god,

but from the warm flesh of 

a woman. 

I genuflect before you,

accept what penance you offer

I will worship the quivering 

touch of living flesh,

the taste of primal passion. 

The Forsaken

  

Confessions of Love

I am atremble 

each gasping breath 

stumbles over itself

yearning for your long awaited touch,

my body gravitates towards your hands,

your fingers command my flesh,

every stroking caress whispers 

secret desires, unveiling my need

I feel myself melting into your palms

while you peel back my layers,

open me up.

I take shelter in your masculine heaviness,

my body melding into yours 

I want only to know that I will never

feel your absence again,

my lips against your throat,

flushed with the warmth of your pulse,

I count your heartbeats 

each one a confession of your love.  

In My Head

Let me be your bride of mourning

Let me be your bride of vengeance 

Let me be your bride of death & destiny

Let me be the one to save you.

you’re in my head in my head in my head

you’re in my head

I would be so lonely without you,

you know the darkest chambers of my heart,

we the forsaken ones 

still need someone to love.

you’re in my head in my head in my head

you’re in my head

Bring me from these shadows,

take my hand and don’t be afraid 

of the monster inside me.

you’re in my head in my head in my head

you’re in my head

Without you I am a ghost,

I will watch the world turn to bone,

suck the marrow out of life,

I don’t know how to be merciful 

without you to give me hope.

you’re in my head in my head in my head

you’re in my head

Your hands strip me bare,

the closer you come the farther you get,

I want to keep you here 

inside me, beside me.

you’re in my head in my head in my head

you’re in my head

You are my blood & breath,

let my darkness shelter you,

you are the only thing that

keeps me human,

let me be the demon that keeps

your nightmares at bay.

You’re in my head

in my head 

in my head