Bodily Harm

I have just finished reading Bodily Harm by Margaret Atwood and it was reading many of the negative reviews this book received that compelled me to share my thoughts about the book here. First of I will state that a while back I did a post all about Margaret Atwood and the fact that while I consider her to be among my favorite authors some of her books really can be very hit and miss for me. When she is good she is really good, but some of her works do fall flat with me. I do not always agree with her brand of feminism so to speak.  Many of her female characters are portrayed as victimized and completely passive, and the majority of her male characters are villainous, (not like comic book Super Villain villainous) but they are all portrayed as being oppressors of women, and frequently unfaithful.

Bodily Harm was my favorite non Sci-fi/Dystopian book I have read of Atwood’s since Cat’s Eye which was the first Atwood book I read and made me instantly fall in love with her writing. I think much like the case of Cat’s Eye, I happened to read Bodily Harm at the exact right time in my life in which I was most strongly able to identity and relate to the story and main character.

Rennie is diagnosed with breast cancer and has a partial mastectomy in which a quarter sized portion of her breast is removed. With the removal of this part of herself she feels as if she is no longer complete like some part of herself (not just her physical self, but her identity, who she is) is missing, and with her new perceptions of her body image, and the insecurities she begins to feel about herself she struggles with a crisis of identity. This is heightened by the fact that she is in a relationship with a man who values her and bases their relationships predominately on her physical attributes and the relationship is driven mostly by sex.  After her operation she cannot bare to have her boyfriend look at her or touch her.

I have made a few mentions here that I am currently involved in a long distance relationship and during the time in which I started reading this book I was preparing for a trip for our first meeting together in person, and while certainly we both knew what each other looked like and exchanged photos and descriptions there was still some anxiety about what his perception would be of me when he beheld me in person, and while we always had a very strong connection to each other, and a strong bond of love, there was still the doubt and insecurity about whether or not he would be attracted to me when we actually met in person. And prior to meeting him I was in a relationship with someone who did make me feel bad about myself.

I was actually reading this book on the plane during my flight out to see him, and in that moment I could really connect with Rennie’s struggle with her identity in relation to her body image issues, and feeling as if she would be undesirable because of what was taken from her and her desperately seeking someone that would make her feel attractive again, and perhaps also like a whole and completed woman again.

While I did not have to suffer the physical loss of a part of myself, certainly my body still has its blemishes and imperfections, and I do feel as if I have lost something of my inner self with the experiences of my previous relationship.

So I did think this book was fantastic with a lot of personal meaning.

And just in case anyone is curious the visit with my significant other did go wonderfully.

 

 

When You Are Here

I reach for you
in the darkness
and felt only
empty space.

I need your arms
to hold me in place,
I need to bury
my head into
your chest,
your breathing
settles me.

I yearn for the
feel of your strength,
how tender it can be,
your hands upon my back
bare into me,
we remind
ourselves of our
tangible presence.

The way you kiss
me with urgency,
and pull me so close,
I want to be
lost within
your embrace.

Our hands speak
to each other
without words,
a reminder
you are always there.

The things you say
in whispers
just under your breath
when we are alone,
I replay them
when I find myself
alone.

Weight of Emptiness

It weighs upon me
like a stone,
the unsettled weight
of things untold,
memories stirred
from the grave,

Caught within
my throat
like choking
upon a bone,
I want an escape
balancing unhinged.

It drags me down,
wading into the ocean
with a pocket
full of rocks,
each one baring
another name.

Old chains
rust around
my ankles,
cutting off circulation,
leaving yellowed
stains and blackend
flesh.

An infection
which never
quite goes away,
it stays within
the system,
regressing
and progressing.

At times
I feel there is
so little of myself
left and I struggle
through the empty
spaces left
inside.

Where I Belong

Your words
remind me
of the imprints
of your fingers
left behind
upon my flesh

it steals my breath away

I carry you
still inside of me,
striving to inhale
the remnants
of your scent

it lingers in my hair

Your taste
is still upon
my lips
I savor it
the way your
skin yields
beneath my teeth

the way you hold me close

Your arms
locked around me
I can still feel
the presence
of your weight

this is where I belong

Between You And I

You know the secret
language of my bones,
you read my past
with the stroke of your
fingertips.

There is no knowledge
more intimate than
what lies unseen
hidden beneath my skin.

You count my breaths,
tracing my moods
by their rhythm,
reaching for me
in the dark.

You can feel the stillness
of my thoughts
reading the meaning
of different silences.

Your body contorts
around mine and
willingly I invite you
to invade the deepest
depths of me.

You know me as I have
never been known,
within and without,
your breathing settles me
when my mind skates
around the edge.

You endure my restless
ways, hold me steady
in place, when I need
to be braced.

Now my skin is full
of memories of your touch,
how soon the smell of you
became familiar.

An absence lingers
as we are pulled apart,
but still you stay with me,
strangely like a guardian
angel I feel you watching
over me from afar.

Still I Live

Hateful eyes
are watching me
from a distance
waiting to see me bleed.

I can feel perverse
lips tasting me
from afar
while my knees
are shaking.

Laughter
in my mind,
words like
angry fingers
bruise beneath
the skin.

You follow
where I cannot go,
and lead where
I will not follow,
I see you there
tying nooses
with my hair.

I will take your
pain and make
it mine, it won’t hold
me back, but
gives me
a voice to fight.

You are standing
in the shadows
of my soul
wanting to take
it all.

I feel your salt
in my wounds,
and I should
crumble
and I should
weep,
but I refuse
to be your grief.

Though I still
hear your call
in the distance
sometimes
like a memory
in my bones
you would break,

I won’t be destroyed
my heart still beats
strong, and others
now live in the space
you would command
of me.

Keeper of My Heart

For me this piece is about love, life, death, and sacrifice.

The stag is frequently associated with fertility.

The rib cage I see as a protective shield for the heart which is symbolized as an acorn. In reading the Poetic Eddas there was an explanatory note which declared that the word which was used for heart literally translates into “Mood-Acorn” I was rather struck with that phrase, and loved that as a description for the heart. Acorns also symbolize
growth, life, and rebirth.

The runic symbol Algiz is a powerful rune for protection, and according to some the shape of Algiz was inspired by the antlers of a stag so I saw it as a mirror reelection representing the concept of”  As Above So Below”

 

Fail-Safe Love

I want you closer
than I can get,
to feel you deeper
in all my dark
closed spaces.

Don’t leave me
in the wind,
my heart left
upon a rock,
like one more burden
you cannot afford
to nourish.

I want to sink
farther into you,
like stepping into
quicksand,
let me disappear
into you.

Don’t watch me
drift away
into the snow storm,
seeing your face
vanish in a dream.

I need you to fill
all the emptiness,
to live in the room
of my lungs,
the way you haunt
through the compartments
of my mind.

Don’t watch me
always falling
down upon my own,
the way I bruise
and cut myself.

You are my fail safe,
against this world,
I need the air
to evaporate
between us.

We Define Our Love

You
hover
before
me

My
breath
becomes
lost

My
heart
is
nameless

But
you
have
the
power
to
give
it
a
voice

Your
hands
reach
beyond
depths

And
I
know
I
am
saved

Love
only
has
the
meaning
we
divine.

Drop of Life

I watch
the drops
of life
precariously
balance
upon the edge
of your lips,
and I want
to catch it
upon my tongue
hold it
savoring
the taste.

The sun
vanishes
behind
your eyes
darkness
is the time
for lovers,
love makes
night of day
for everything
fades from
view but you.

I want
your body
to eclipse
mine,
your limbs
wound
around me
we can
become
lost in
constellations
of our own
making.