Thank You For the Apocalypse

As someone who enjoys the occasional zombie TV show and loves the post-apocalyptic genre as a whole and who has oft had fantasies of living in a post-apocalypse I am finding the world very entertaining right now. With all this virus craziness it is as if the world is an amusement park bringing me the full post-apocalyptic immersive experience. A couple of days ago I have to go to three different grocery stores to complete my grocery shopping because of how wiped out the shelves were and while perhaps mildly annoying it was amusing to see exactly what it was that people have decided they need to survive, and my partner and I have come to the conclusion that while they may survive the virus they will die of scurvy. The items of which people have decided are most crucial to have, for the most part do not have any nutritional value and many are not shelf stable. Yes people have decided what they need most are a shit ton of potato chips, lots of cereal, dairy (mostly ice cream and yogurt), flour, bread, and every scrap of meat they can find.

Yes I know people out there are saying ooo you shouldn’t be making fun of the virus, and you shouldn’t mock it or make fun of it, and how dare you say it is entertaining. But if you are going to go in a panic like a chicken with its head cut off and sit there and take all my other sources of entertainment away from me, than I am damn well going to enjoy this and as the horror fanatic I will play at living in an actual horror movie since you will not let me do anything else.

But……….aren’t you afraid of getting the virus?

Nope, and not because I am living in some state of denial in which I don’t believe that I cannot get the virus. I know every time I have the audacity to actually go outside, (because I refuse to stop living my life as normal because of this thing) and go somewhere (provided I can find anything that is open) I am exposing myself to getting the virus. But even if I do get it, yeah it will probably suck but also I will probably live.

But…..people have dies from it……

Every time you step out of your house and go to work, take your kids to school, or go to the movies you put yourself at risk of dying in a car accident. Car accidents happen all the time, every day and while theoretically more people might catch the virus than get into a car accident I would say that the odds of surviving the virus are greater than the odds of surviving a car accident. Every single day you step outside your house ( and even sometimes when you step in your house) something might possibly kill you, but life still goes on, you still keeping doing stuff, cars are still on the road. I do not see the virus any different.

The UK is the only one who is actually being sensible in all this. They have come out and said, people keep going to work, keep going to school, continue to live your lives, wash your hands, and if you are not feeling well stay home for a couple of weeks.

While the rest of the world is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never mind the great many pandemics that have come since the beginning of human history many of which have been much more and much more deadly than this one, and still the human race as continued to survive.

So sit back, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show while it lasts.

By the way I just need to clarify that I have been social distancing since long before it was cool to do so.

 

 

 

 

My Holiday Good Cheer

I was getting my last minute  shopping done for the holiday, and to put me in the proper holiday spirit, I am feeling quite warm and fuzzy about the fact that I got to cause a great deal of annoyance to one of those Salvation Army bell ringers (yes I know I am a horrible person, but it makes me happy to unleash my inner super villain).

She was just starting to set up in front of the store as I was going into it and she was saying something about “Bless you” as I walked into the store, yeah I know it is supposed to be nice, but the one thing I cannot stomach about the holiday is all the Christian crap. Yeah I know they think it is their holiday but it was ours first and than they hostility took it over. So I just rolled my eyes and walked into the store.

Then coming out she was ringing her bell and shouting very loudly about Jesus so which naturally I replied “Hail Satan!” (South Park “Critter Christmas anyone?) and she shouted something back at me, of which I did not catch what she said, and than as I was in the car leaving the parking lot I saw her talking to some other lady who just came out of the store about me, which warmed the cockles of my cold dark heart and made me laugh.

The Thirteen Days of Christmas

A bit of Christmas fun for fellow Horror and Halloween lovers who like me cannot stand the garishness, and nauseating jolliness of most things associated with this holiday.

A parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

On the first day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
a raven in an oak tree

On the second day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
two screeching owls

On the third day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
three hungry vultures

On the fourth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
four cawing crows

On the fifth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
five haunted rings

On the sixth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
six wolves a howling

On the seventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
seven bats a flying

On the eighth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
eight vampires a biting

On the ninth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
nine devils dancing

On the tenth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
ten ghouls a leaping

On the eleventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
eleven zombies gnawing

On the twelfth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
twelve banshees screaming

On the thirteenth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me
thirteen hearts still beating.

Gotta Love Hypocrisy

I was out and about doing errands when I just happened to notice that someone had one of those window decals on their car which used to be so popular several years back depicting Calving (From Calvin on Hobbs) pissing on something, most frequently the logo of this or that sports team. Needless to say I didn’t give much thought to this, other than thinking it was stupid, when I happened to notice that right below the decal on the back of the car was a big ol Jesus fish with the letters WWJD inside of it.

Now that was truly classic I thought, and than I had tried to see what these goodly Christians were pissing on but I never could make it out (Also got to love the sweet irony of Christians be a fan of a comic strip character who is known for conversing with his imaginary friend)

The first thing which came to my mind is that I feel quite confident that Jesus would NOT piss on a person, place or thing of which he disliked. In fact I am fairly certain that the very idea of Jesus not liking something rather contradicts his entire teachings at the very least showing spite and derision towards it does.

Secondly considering the way Christians vilify sex and nudity and seem to think that if a child where to perchance see a nude body which in of itself is quite a natural and innocuous thing will scar them for life and lead them into a life of sexual deviance, and seem to think that teaching sex ed in schools will create an uprising in teen pregnancy (because of course keeping girls in complete ignorance about sex and their own bodies, is the perfect way to ensure that they make smart intelligent and responsible choices about their sexual experiences) it is appealingly totally cool  endorse public urination, and they feel not the slightest bit of qualms about driving around exposing children to images of an underage boy pulling down his pants and taking a wiz.

Why Serial Killers Make Ideal Neighbors

After much consideration I have come to the conclusion that a serial killer  would make my ideal neighbor. That might at first seem a rather unconventional (to say the least) choice but if you think about it that are a lot of positive attributes serial killers have as neighbors.

Generally speaking they don’t kill too close to home because if your neighbors start disappearing left and right that is going to raise suspensions.  At home serial killers try to live very normal non-assuming lives so I figure I wouldn’t be in much danger.

The last thing I want is to have any sort of social relationship with my neighbors. I don’t want to deal with an obnoxiously friendly neighbor who thinks we are going to hang out together.

For me the ideal niegbior relationship is to be predominately oblivious to their existence. Maybe in a particularly good mood I might exchange a cursory nod  with them if I see them in the yard, but mostly I will be happy to have us ignore each other.

A serial killer doesn’t want to esatblish personal social relationships. They don’t want to be known, they want to be as unmemorable and non-discript as possible. Thus they will leave me alone and not intrude upon my privacy and business and they will be grateful for my standoffishness.

Because they don’t want to draw attention they will be quiet, keep to themselves, as I like to say I don’t care if my neighbors have bodies in the basement as long as I don’t hear the screams. They wouldn’t cause a ruckus or have big parties and loud annoying music. Most the time it would be as if they are not even there.